Black Box Report

If I keep running for president, the terrorists win.

Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney announced the suspension of his presidential campaign at the Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) yesterday.

A transcript of his remarks follows:

I want to begin by saying thank you. It’s great to be with you again. To all of you, thank you for caring enough about the future of America to show up, stand up and speak up for conservative principles.

But most of all, I want to thank all of you self-identified "conservatives" for voting for me in the primaries.

I want to thank you all for this, but of course, I can't. Because you didn't. Vote for me, that is. And now, the guy I spent the last few weeks calling a liberal is going to be the Republican nominee. The man you people have been accusing of stabbing your party in the back, calling him everything from "Judas" to "Juan McCain," is going to be the conservative standard-bearer in 2008.

Way to go, folks.

You said you wanted a true conservative to lead this party. I told you I was that true conservative! And to prove it, I lined up every one of my positions to match yours. Border fence? I already had the contractors picked out. Gun rights? I shot squirrels for fun. Close Guantanamo? I said "Double it." I worked "Islamic jihadists" into my speeches more times than Rudy did "9/11." I took every one of your talking points and went to town, but did you people actually come out and vote for me when it mattered? Noooooooo!

Y'know, they say conservatives are a disciplined bunch. Then I look at the other candidates you people propped up instead of getting behind a winner, and I wonder what the hell they're talking about. Rudy Giuliani? OK, 9/11 was pretty cool, but Rudy's got nothin' on the Mitt-ster! He didn't even try to hide his liberal past from you, and you still tried to get him nominated; I flipped on every liberal, pro-choice, anti-gun, big government position I ever had to please you! And Fred Thompson? Please! I can run rings around ol' Fred on the campaign trail - literally - and my wife is at least as hot as his...

Not to mention I'm about a gazillion times more photogenic than either one of them. Admit it; I look presidential, dammit!

And did I mention I'm rich? Show of hands; how many people in this audience are wealthy enough to be considered part of George W. Bush's "base?" Yeah, quite a few of you, well....I'M ONE OF YOU! So why didn't you vote for me? You wanted a big-business candidate? I AM BIG BUSINESS!

How many of you here are eligible for the military?...Whoa...lot of hands. Yeah, well, what are my five military-age sons supposed to do now that they're not serving their country by working on my campaign? Go to Iraq? Can't you people think of how your actions affect others?

Was it the religion thing? 'Cause I gave a speech on that, remember? Cleared all that up! Hugh Hewitt said it was "simply magnificent," "on every level...a masterpiece," and that "anyone who denies it is not to be trusted as an analyst."

Hugh Hewitt, people!

And Rush! And Hannity, and Ingraham, and....Y'know, whatever...I was here a year ago shaking all your hands, telling you all what you wanted to hear, unlike some people I could mention who haven't been to this conference in ten years...*cough*John McCain*cough*...And one year and $40 million of my own money later, you people can all take a flying leap at a rolling doughnut.

Enjoy your new nominee, suckers. Have fun learning Spanish. Me and what's left of Tagg's inheritance are going home.
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Romney 2012!

OK, that's not the actual transcript, but I have it on good authority that's what he was thinking. The real speech is here.

The Mittmentum has come to a screeching halt, and disappointed CPAC-goers are left to with shattered dreams of what could have been. So what went wrong? Mitt's campaign certainly had no end of gaffes, from his expertise as a varmint-shootin' Elmer Fudd to his embarrassing rendition of "Who Let the Dogs Out," but in the end, I think conservatives couldn't figure out who the real Mitt was, because neither could Mitt:

Mitt Romney's powerful attacks on Mitt Romney's positions (both current and former) have just been too much for Mitt Romney to withstand, and he may have knocked himself out of the race.

To be fair - and I'm surprised Romney's campaign never tried this approach - Romney supposed "flip-flops" could've been a positive for him. He could have convincingly argued that he was always conservative, but when he decided he wanted to be governor of Massachusetts, he knew he was going to have to pretend to be more moderate. He didn't really believe in any of those liberal positions, and regularly lied and said he did, but that was OK, because he was only lying to Democrats. Oh well, too late now...maybe in 2012, when everyone's forgotten.

Meanwhile, Romney's biggest blog fan Hugh Hewitt penned this requiem after friends relieved him of his belt and shoelaces:

Because he is a very good man, a great conservative and an extraordinary patriot he is standing aside to allow Sen. McCain's national campaign to commence...Had the conservative movement more quickly recognized these qualities, the coming together around Romney that has occurred in the last few weeks would have assured him the nomination and, I think, the White House.

But it didn't. And now Mitt's gone. But not everyone believes it was really a case of stepping into the strike zone and taking one for the team:

Does anyone really believe this was Mitt's conscience speaking? It looks pretty transparently organised by men in smoky backrooms in an attempt to re-unify a crumbling GOP coalition. The smell of BS coming from Romney as he implicitly backs the guy he was calling a liberal just the other day is overpowering. I suspect Romney will now be McCain's VP candidate and the religious Right will be left to go onanize themselves.

And if that doesn't pan out, Romney made sure to leave the CPAC-ers with one last chunk of red meat to whet they're apetite for Romney 2012:

If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.

Class act. I am unable to print my response to Mr. Romney, as it is unsuitable for this blog, but you may find my sentiment echoed by Jon Stewart here.

Good-bye, Mitt. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

And now, the GOP is left with the choices of frontrunner John McCain, Mike Huckabee and Ron Paul.

There. That just put a smile back on my face.

I always thought Mitt Romney was a phony; now I think he's worse. Somehow he managed to snow conservatives that he was one of them despite a record as a social liberal in Massachusetts. Maybe he really had a political conversion, but what does that say about the man's convictions? Regardless, the $40 million he spent from his own pocket never paid off in enough support.

For Romney to trot out the tired old fear mongering of “a vote for a Democrat is a vote for terrorists,” puts him in company with Dick Cheney. The two deserve each other. Anybody who hasn't lived under a rock the past six plus years knows this administration and the GOP have hardly cornered the market on national security, but suggesting a vote for the other guy could get us killed is just disgraceful.

Good riddance, Mitt Romney. I still don't really know who you are, but the more I hear, the less you'll be missed.